The book today, ladies and gents: Breaking Dawn. If you haven't read it yet and you'll hate me forever for revealing key plot points, stop reading now--because here be spoilers. And not even the this-particular-part-of-the-book-made-me-tingle! spoilers. Nope. These would be spoilers of the I-think-I-may-have-just-thrown-up-a-little-in-my-mouth variety.
A list of highly lame things I didn't like about Breaking Dawn.
- The monster spawn. And even worse, Jacob imprinting on the monster spawn. And okay, okay. I know Edward is a good vampire and Bella was human while she carried Renesmee, so it's probably not fair to call her monster spawn. But she struck me as a rather lame contrivance to be able to carry on a story line if Stephenie Meyer should so choose. Also, her name is stupid.
- Question: if all bodily functions disappear when Bella becomes a vampire (yes, Bella becomes a vampire--but honestly, it's not like you weren't expecting that), why is it that she manages to retain control when she realizes the Jacob situation until she discovers that Jacob's nicknamed her daughter Nessie? Because, um, wouldn't PMS have disappeared when she became a vampire?
- In a completely non-plot-related note: Little, Brown isn't exactly a small publishing company. But whoever proofreads these books should be fired. Twilight was an engaging enough story to me that I could let all of the typos and errors go. New Moon and Eclipse didn't have that going for them. And Breaking Dawn was just as bad. I'm half-tempted to take a red pen to these books and send them back to the publisher with a note: why can't anyone on your staff seem to do this properly?
- On a related non-plot-related note: The word is dependent, people. Not dependant. I recognize that our friend the dictionary says it can go either way. But seriously--who spells it with an a? (Schmet, you can say you spell it with an a, but I just won't believe you)
- Meyer needs a new conflict-resolution model. Also a new plot model. She's the queen of the anti-climax. Of course, it didn't help that the major conflict didn't happen until more than halfway through this book. All of the vampires were gathering against the Volturi to witness that Nessie wasn't dangerous and she wasn't immortal and they were all geared up for a fight. And then . . . ta da! Diplomatic resolution. Possibly because one of the extraneous vampires willed it. Phooey. And seriously, could we just skip the la-la-la, ooey gooey Bella-and-Edward are in love and like to make out parts of it? Do they serve a purpose? Aside from the aforementioned throwing up a little in the mouth?
- Also, let's see how many times Edward and Bella can have (implied) sex! That should be exciting! And then it should be really funny when Emmett starts throwing around innuendos. Because then Bella can arm wrestle him and kick a rock to pieces just because she can.
- And it's official: she made enough comparisons to Greek gods that I wondered why there's nothing and nobody else she can compare these vampires to.
- Those Romanian vampires? They sort of reminded me of those Muppet critics. (You know, the ones whose names I can't think of right now.)
- Wow! Bella has a power to block people! Except wait . . . she could already do that as a non-vampire.
- But also! She has such self-control as a newborn vampire that she doesn't need to worry about seeing her dad. How wonderful for her that she's such an anomaly. And now Charlies knows. Ish.
- And Jacob comes to live in peaceful habitation with the vampires, purely because he imprinted on Nessie. One of the most gag-worthy lines in the book: "We always knew I was attached to part of you, Bella. Now we know what part." Or something to that effect.
- Aw, Edward and Bella are going to live happily ever after. Forever and ever.
- And in one last non-plot-related point, the publishers will be (conveniently) releasing an official guide to the Twilight world at the same time the movie is released. Coincidence? I think not. And I think it's kind of a lame idea, because it's not like there are a lot of intricacies to the world of Twilight. I can understand the concept of Harry Potter companions because--come now!--Rowling created a whole new world. Meyer used an existing one and stuck vampires in it.
If you loved it dearly and want to temporarily disown me as a friend, I'm cool with that. Because it's now official: if I want to escape to a fantasy world, I'll be visiting Hogwarts. Or the Discworld.
17 comments:
Finally! Too many people simply worship her, and this story was complete bunk! Oh, you forgot the, no matter how against marriage you are, the instant you're married you'll be totally fine with it. In fact, you'll be so fine with it that you won't freak out when days later you're pregnant with a monster baby. And then of course you have the if Edward can't cry (which was made abundantly clear...they don't have fluids in them) how did he produce offspring??? Not to mention the mere act would be rendered impossible, right??
Yeah..when you have no beating heart and no blood flow, how exactly do you obtain an erection???
All valid questions. That I didn't exactly want in my head, but I suppose I asked for it . . .
Statler and Waldorf! Statler and Waldorf! C'mon!
Don't c'mon me, Mr. Butterfly! Don't try to pretend that's common knowledge, even if one of the critics is named after a hotel!
Okay, FINE: I admit I had to look it up....
But at least I did!
Not that I'd ever volunteer to be anyone's research lackey, or anything: I don't think I'm up to anybody having that kind of dependAnce on me.
(Was that too much of a stretch?)
I knew Statler and Waldorf without looking it up. ;)
Katya--
That doesn't surprise me in the least.
Far be it from me to behave in a surprising fashion!
And yes, Schmetterling. That use of dependAnce was too much of a stretch.
Of course, if you wouldn't have attempted just such a stretch, I might have though the end was near . . .
So now you think it isn't?
Okay. Well. Um. Glad I could lull you into this false sense of security....
I wonder how many people read this blog and are now mad at you for ripping on the "best series ever written" (say in an emotional girl voice). I, dear friend, am not one of those readers. This was hilariously accurate! Seriously! I laughed (at the copy editing), I cried (because I was laughing so hard), I threw up a little in my mouth, I wondered how Edward was able to spawn, I imagined alternate endings (everyone dies), and I thank you for brightening my day with this wonderfully sarcastic critique! Sheer genius!
Thank you, Confuzzled! This is exactly the review I have been wanting to read.
Dood, I'm all for moving to the Discworld.
Well, I don't think they were that bad... I will admit that I was drooling at Edward while I was reading.
(and note, I only read the first half of the first book. They're a little... dark for me. It gives the impression that danger is ok. *shudder*)
But my main problem was the Edward/Bella relationship... Very Romeo and Juliet. And not just because of the whole feuding family thing (vampire vs human).
The type of love reminded me of RJ... Their love seems to be completely physical. Neither character has a lot of personality to speak of.
Bella has a wonderful personality!... Until she falls for Ed. Then she's a puddle. A rather dull, obsessive little puddle.
Edward has a sense of humor behind his good looks, but only a tiny bit of personality. You like him 'cause he's hot. Their attraction is all physical.
That's the part that bugged me.
I respectfully disagree. Bella has little to no personality. In fact, I'd be hard pressed to find another female character in all of Young Adult literature who is that blase. Seriously. She's someone who is acted upon--always and never someone who does her own acting.
So if you think characters who are little more than spineless blobs are wonderful . . . well, to each her own . . .
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