Sometimes I'm crippled by the need to be clever.
One of my classes has requested the students to write an introduction and post it online. As a preemptive strategy, I suppose it's good at getting rid of all of that annoying first day of class "please tell us about yourself" introductory hogwash. All we'll have to do now is go around and tell each other our names, and we'll have already read about each other online.
And while I certainly don't feel that my writing skills are lacking in any way, shape, or form, I find myself intimidated. Because now that I've entered a graduate program--an English graduate program--nobody else has writing skills that are lacking, either. The department would not have otherwise let them in.
(Incidentally, I keep having dreams that I get a letter from the U, indicating my admission had come in error and that I am not, after all, graduate school material. So sorry. Apply again next year. But then I usually feel better once I wake up and check my e-mail, only to see that the bulk of the new messages are from the graduate advisor and they are obviously not being sent in error.)
This is why I've already signed up for which book I'll present my seminar paper on. And I know what other book I'm going to write a review and summary of. (Understanding Comics, in case any of you were curious. I'm all for making my classes overlap, and since it's required reading for another . . .) But it is why I'm a little bit blocked when it comes to my introduction.
The one student who has already posted an introduction has invested it with a lot of personality. And she's published. And she sounds smarter than me. Also, I have the feeling I'm the newest of the newbies for this class. The subject matter interests me, but I'm starting to feel stupid and I haven't even attended the class yet.
I'm neither ineligible for this class, nor am I stupid. I know I'm not stupid. And I know I want to take this class. I also know I'll never forgive myself if I underestimate myself from the beginning. And I also know I need to start practicing what I preach and stop comparing myself to others. So what if more than half this class are admitted to the intensely competitive M.F.A. program. So what if more than one of the students is in the process of earning a Ph.D. I can be the smart kid in all my other classes.
(Unless, of course, I'm not. It's possible I might just need to learn to handle that.)
And in the meantime, I'm going to write an introduction full of my personality. Something that is vintage me. That may be clever or may not be clever. But I'm not going to try too darn hard from the outset. Because to quote a famous SNL skit: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it! People like me."
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5 comments:
It was refreshing to read this blog. To be perfectly honest, I've always been intimidated by you and your writing. I'm not kidding. And to learn you have the same insecurities about your fellow students (which you shouldn't! You're freakin' amazing!), it just made me feel...normal!
It also helped me realize that Satan works on everyone in similar ways; even in areas where they excel.
You'll do wonderfully in your classes! I have no doubt! :D
If it makes you feel better, Confuzzled, I sure ain't intimidated by you.
But I don't think you're stupid, either. I mean, sure, you're wrong about an awful lot of stuff, and your opinions on stuff are often a little off, but that doesn't mean you're stupid. Just--uh--misguided, perhaps. =)
Annie--Thanks. Genuinely.
Schmet--Um, thanks? (Do tell me which opinions are a little off . . .)
"If you don't fall now and then, you're not trying hard enough."
-don't remember
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Staring with McCloud is foolproof. Not to suggest it's a good choice because you're a fool, but to suggest you obviously know what you're doing.
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